Self Actualization

I think I've done it.
I think I've found what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I found something that I love to do, now I just have to go out and do it.

Never have I felt like this without having my feelings depend on some one else and my interaction with them.
I DID THIS. I made myself happy.
I've found my calling.

Maybe I can learn to love life like I never have before, I think I've found what I've been searching for. Looking in the wrong places has lead me so far astray in the past. I finally found a sense of self fulfillment that depends nothing at all on others. It's just me out there, doing everything that I can.

Why am I alone right now

I know I'm not always the best person, but why do I have to be alone through this.

I've been there for people whenever they need me, I do whatever I can to take care of people when they're at their lowest even if I'm in a bad way.

And this happens, and I get left alone.
What am I doing wrong that I can lose so much and feel so terrible and have nobody who wants to be here for me. Or I should say who actually is there, or here, for me.

I love you Jordan, and I will be here for you if you need ANYTHING. I will be there in a heartbeat.

Your father is the inspiration that pushes me to be the best EMT that I can ever be. Through me he will save lives, or at least give them a chance, this much I promise.

I love my family. I really do, yet I sit here alone in my house. I am very happy for the fact that they have people who love them too that are hopefully there to support them through these hard times.

"Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination."- Mark Twain

Where true serenity lies

Inexplicable

I'm so sad about what has just happened.

My best friend won't talk to me.

My recently reacquainted friend won't talk to me.

Time to move out.

I can't believe I said those things to you. I should never have said anything like that in my entire life. I am infinitely sorrowful for what happened. I love your friendship and I wish that those words had never escaped my mouth. There are a lot of things between us that I wish had not happened, but this is one that I am most sorry for.

I never meant to betray your trust, you are my best friend. One of the only people in this world that I truly trust.
I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
I love you like a brother.

I have to believe that the burdens in my life have so much more to do with me than I have previously thought. With the way that my actions have recently affected the outcome of certain situations... there's no way it isn't the case.

I am dedicating myself to others, and making the world a better place.
Selflessness is the only policy.


Anything else ends tragically.

Passive agressive nature

It's so easy to let it overcome your ways when cynicism begins to take hold of you. It doesn't make you feel any better, but it sure as hell makes you feel like you're more in control.

I'm disgusted by myself when I let it take over me.
It's not fair to the others around me, I'm sorry if I am ever to lash out at you with any guilt trip or indirect backhanded comment... It's not right to do.

I pride myself on being the best person I can be to the best of my abilities, and I can't do that if I'm not trying to catch myself in my wrongdoings or mistakes. The only way to improve is to find out the extent of your mistakes and try and tame them.
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I feel my self respect on a decline, I'm trying to hold on to my morals as I go forward. But I can't help but feel, due to the nature of the attitude of the people around me and their results, that my methods are those of a second place competitor.
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I don't want to come in second, I want to win it all. That's what makes it so tempting to give into these urges to be that asshole that gets what he wants. And how am I to know if the ends justify the means if I have yet to put forth the other foot, and take that low road.

I don't want to do it, but I don't want to keep on going through life as a second class citizen.

Recognition

As I was photographing this sunset, I was trying to find the piece that made it profound. I was trying to discover what was so amazing about it to me, and capture that to show to everyone else.

But I couldn't figure it out.
So I just stopped for a minute, and instead of trying to collect an image, I just watched.
I watched as this beautiful sunset unfolded right in front of my eyes.
It was after a few minutes that I ended up snapping this shot, which ended up being my favorite frame from the entire endeavor.


My point is this, sometimes it is not only time that is needed, but a change in perspective. However it is that you can achieve that.

I'm in a rough patch again, but unlike before, I don't feel out of control. It is really a strange feeling to me. I feel like even though many things in my life are spiraling out of control, I still hold the wheel that guides my destiny.

I feel strong and I plan on making the most of it.

patience is a virtue

This is something that I've always heard, but not something that I have practiced in my life. but something that has been now forced upon me in less that opportune circumstances.

It is like this, how I have to wait for the snow to melt so that I can truly enjoy the mountains beauty and all the activities that they have to offer. I don't want to wait, but the decision was taken from my hands by things that I can not yet control.

All the fish in the sea, but all I want is the one I set free to come back.

I am saddened.
I am overwhelmed with new burdens.
I will yet endure, so that I can see the greener grass on the other side.
I miss you, and I can't wait to be with you again.
Goodbye, for now.

Surrealism

All is good and fun when it is safe within the boundaries of theory. When ideas reach their actualization is when life gets scary. That is when you begin to encounter the unknown and the unpredictable.

It is in this void that we find out what ourselves are truly made of, really putting the nose to the grindstone.

I start into some very unknown territory in the very near future. I'm glad that I have the loved ones that I do around me to keep me feeling sane, I believe that only that is what's keeping me from spilling over.

I love you all, and you all know who you are.

Life is like a box of chocolates

Wait

No it's fucking not....

Life is nothing like a box of chocolates, for reason of comparison a box of chocolates is far to predictable to hold any symbolic meaning of how life really is.

Life is about as predictable as the lottery, you'll never get it right.
But if you do you have a really good chance of winning it big.

I can't say that I know where my life is right now, but at least for the first time in a long time I can say that I know where it is going. I'm going to save lives, I'm going to be the best EMT that my abilities will allow me to be.

ALSO

I'm going through this other thought process that is really fucking with my ability to blog...
I don't want to complain to the world or outwardly at all, I want to deal with my own things my own way and not dump that on other people. I don't want to make everyone feel bad for me, I want to talk things out on the keyboard.

don't take my rants as a cry for help, cause i probably won't accept it.
I'm talking to myself like a crazy person.... it's just what I do.

because i'm crazy

my lack of interpersonal skills

I don't know exactly where it comes from, or I guess where it doesn't come from.
But when it comes to most people I find it extremely difficult to form/keep relationships of any kind. I try to be kind and helpful but I always say the wrong things, or have to incorrect mannerisms for the current or relevant situation.

No matter what, I tend to take whatever it is and try to push it further.
If it's good I want it to be great apparently more than most.

I make friends quickly and somehow almost immediately push them away. Maybe it's something obvious; like when you're looking for something in the fridge and it's right in front of you but you don't see it.

"We can secure other people's approval if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that."- Following the Equator- Mark Twain

That's kind of my train of thought at the time. Until I can find a way to gain my own approval how can I expect others to approve of what I am and respect me.

I'm back to my state of vertigo... I don't know what to do

Trying to turn a new corner

I'm working hard at looking at things in a better way, it's been rough.

I have a lot of really good things going for me right now and I know it. I have a job, and a good one at that. I'm training at something that I want to do and loving it. My family seems to be calming things down.

I don't know why things keep weighing me down right now. I just can't get myself put back together.

Turning this corner is one if the hardest things I've had to do, it's like it won't end. I feel like I'm on one of those spiraling parking garage ramps, and it keeps on getting steeper.

I've cut out everything that makes me someone who I'm not, at least as far as substances are concerned. My friends keep stressing me out, like they don't care. I have one friend that I know will have my back no matter what. But he's leaving now, and will be gone for a while now. All I want to do is make the best of the time we have now, but I don't have a day off to go do that. I don't have a moment to breath enough to cherish the things that I really like to do anymore.

I've lost my speed.

I'm losing my true friend.

All I do is work, school, eat, and sleep. And it's really starting to wear me down. I've got to find a way out of this.