It's hard to clean a burdened slate

You know how sometimes you just want to have this clean slate and get back to this level headed self that you used to be? How you don't even want to be on top of the world, you just want to forget somethings and remember how good life can be.
Of course you do, who doesn't?
However I'm sure you're also familiar with the notion that you cannot exact this change in your life or how you feel. You find clues, and bits and pieces of your dirty slate everywhere.  Dirty isn't bad, a well used slate is something that I want to be a part of my life. I just... don't want it to make me sad, so right now I just want the clean one.

So yeah, clean slate... now? Cool, thanks world.

Anomalous

Some things truly just come into your life and sweep you off of your feet.

I'm the luckiest guy not in London. :)

Although, I'm looking even more forward to being the luckiest guy in London.

Stronger every day

I'm actually doing it.

I am full on in the middle of training to be a career firefighter.

Everyday is a new challenge, it's getting harder for us every day and the rules are starting to tighten down on us.  I can feel the leniency of the first day already beginning to fade, the workouts are harder and group oriented, if one of us is falling behind, we all suffer.  There is pain in every part of what we do, and simply pushing through it to generate the best results possible is all that I can think about.  I'm giving everything that I have to this program. It is my time to shine and show how marketable I truly am as a recruit.  The days of me messing around and simply letting life pass me by are over, I have to work harder than I ever have in my entire life to prove that I am the best.

Sadly, I just ate the last bit of ice cream I'm going to allow myself for the remainder of the semester.  A terrible thing (but not really) that is going to help me push my way to the top of my class.  It's all the little things that are going to make a difference in where I end up.

As hard as it all is, I love every minute of it.  The drills, the workouts, having someone yelling at me to push it and be better.  To have to fight just to hold on for those last five seconds of an exercise.

On an entirely different note, I've had Frankie in my dreams for the last couple of nights, very vividly.  I remember holding him last night, and just feeling an overpowering confidence and warmth coming over my entire body. Almost like he's helping me unlock my full self and my true potential.

I really miss the guy, he was a huge part of my life and will always be a part of who I am and how I act.

Animals, I have found, can exhibit unfathomable levels of love and compassion for creatures that we apparently see as subordinate to ourselves (humans.) But I truly believe that it is the other way around, and that in many situations that humans are the ones that should be learning from the animals around them.

Frankie was the best example of that in my life.

He lived to be very old, and I think very wise. He saw me grow up and play with him, which is simply something that cats do not want a part in. He saw me mature and let his guard down to me.

And then I saw it, the wisdom that is, in his eyes. He was tolerant of many cats coming and going from our household despite their personalities. And showed love for any and all people.

So I'm dedicating my efforts in the RCA to Frankie, and that I may too be able to show such unconditional tolerance.

26.2 ≤ Me

 My Marathon.

Done.

Notice that I'm not necessarily greater that my marathon, and that I'm quite possibly equal to it.  Because it almost bested me, only by shear willpower was I able to make it across that finish line.

 

     It makes me unbelievably happy to be able to say that I'm done with it.  As of right now I still am walking like I was mugged and brutally beaten on Saturday, and that is certainly earning me some strange looks from the people of Seattle.  I'm pretty sure everyone here either thinks that I am drunk, or a junkie.  So I'm doing my best to play the part, it's more fun that way.

     A lot of what I want to say is thank you to all those who supported me. But I feel like I didn't get a whole lot of that. I think it's time that I thank the person who pushed me the hardest to get this done.

Myself.

     Self centered much? Yeah, I don't really care.  I was one of the only runners that I noticed was alone through the entire process of registration, race prep, and running.  When I got to the end of the race, what did I get? A bottle of Gatorade. Granted it was delicious, having run for that long you nurture a thirst that is unlike any other. All of this while watching others run into the arms of their family, and their friends. Meanwhile my greatest support was more than one thousand miles away, and even they couldn't be bothered to answer a phone call when the race was done.

    I do things by myself a lot these days, and I'm really starting to like it that way.  I've found that although it is a lonely feeling, solitude can also be one of the most transcending and beautiful ways of living.

    But you know what, you know who I couldn't have done the race without? Absolutely would have fallen flat on my face without the aid of? Zac Brown and his Band.

You think that's weird maybe?

Probably yeah..

But one can't underestimate the power of the right kind of music while you're running for five and a half hours. That shit gets boring.

But HOLY SHIT, I digress.

I want to thank everyone that has been in my life, good or bad, because you have made me who I am today.  Even if I think I hate you, you're a part of me. Especially if you hate me, you're a part of me ;) 

For those of you that I love, and I truly hope that you know who you are. You are a BIG part of me, and I hope that you will continue to be that to me.

My marathon let me figure something out that has taken far too long to discover. I am strong, and I don't need other people to hold me up. 

I know this last photo has been used, and re-used, and re-hashed and shared, and posted and liked about a million times. But I think it fits here.

Opportunities

Time to take advantage.

Dissonance

I feel as though... I'm sitting within the 7th step of an octave.  One simple step away from resolution. Just one last note need be played, and all can move forward. Yet I cannot play the eighth.

I am stuck. Not of my own choosing, but none the less, I am stuck.

I can't see the benefit of ending on the seventh. Nobody walks away happier for it. I'm sure if you've ever ended a song without true musical resolution you understand that in fact, the song has simply not ended. It's either that, or the composer has chosen to render you vastly more uncomfortable than you thought music could leave you. All for the sake of torturing you.

Just so they can lord it over you that they have the upper hand! "HA." An empty proclamation.

When it could so simply be resolved.

Can the musician meet the composer? Can peace be made?
Yes.

The two would never have to interact again, but for the love of life WHY can't their separation be on a good note. Or a good chord.  Just so that everyone can breathe deep, and let the past stay where it belongs.

I hope this message can reach anyone in the world trying to hold a grudge. Holding onto the bad feelings to keep themselves at bay.
Find a way to let yourself go, and help others do the same. Face the music, all of it.

"Nuff said"

People always put that by something that apparently needs no words to compliment it....

Then why are you saying, "Nuff said?"

If something truly stands on it's own, the let it.

Summertiming

  It's back to the good old days of summer. Sleepless nights, followed by long days at work in the hot and unforgiving sun.  Fortunately I'm still suffering the suns wrath whilst working next to a lake, so it's not overly difficult to find relief.

  Just like every summer of the last 5 years of my life, some things came together at the beginning of the season that brought a lot of joy into my life.  Then, as if Houdini himself planned it, it was gone.  Although I suppose that in this instance it comes with some level of explanation, not the mystery that is the draw of magic tricks.

  I don't know why it always seems to go that way for me...

  I'm looking forward to being immersed in a school environment again this upcoming fall, and looking even further ahead, I am beyond enthusiastic about rejoining the ranks of Park City's ski patrol. Even with all of these incredible things happening to me, and happening around me; I can't help but feel like there is something missing.  It's like what I have is good, but I still need to find that secret ingredient that is going to make it great.

 

  There is time yet, to seek out and discover this 'secret ingredient'.  So as always I must struggle to be on the winning side of the internal struggle to keep on believing.

  Here's the real kicker, I knew going into this summer that I didn't have it, but just being where I was made me plenty happy.  I wasn't about to ask for more, I didn't want to ask questions, I just wanted to go with it.  So I did, and that alone made me content... or satisfied... whatever.  The point is, just like every other summer, I went into my longer and brighter days of the year a happy person.  Yet somehow, it all had to change.

   CHANGE.

  It's not something that frightens me, or at least I don't think that it does. However, the time when change is afoot, but not quite in full bloom.  A sort of purgatory if you will.  That place of indecision, where it seems that all must come to a stand still to truly grasp the vastness, or scale of the change. Just as the idea is about to be given that little push necessary to grow and mature into bigger and better things.  I     Hate      That      Feeling.  I don't do that.  I won't let it happen to me.  It's the same thing as standing on the diving board too long before you jump, and everyone around you is saying, "Don't think about it! Just do it!"

JUST DO IT.

JUST DO IT.

JUMP. Take the leap!  Because then no matter what happens, you still tried.  You can walk away saying to yourself, "That was awful, and I'll probably never do that again.  But hey, at least I tried it." 

I think everyone could use a little more, do before you think attitude.

Get up that wall. I promise you, you'll be happy that you did it.

So maybe my theme this summer will be, 'At least I tried.'  I think I like that.

Ski Patrol

                                            I miss Ski Patrol. I really really want to do it again.
    I miss Zeke, and my team! This last winters was easily one of the best winters of my life, even though the snow never really came.
Andy was an awesome leader,  he made sure I was doing every thing correctly and then let me go get after it on my own. Team leader of the year...

Mandy was the best, I could talk to her about anything and know she would listen.

 

Ken was always funny, I don't know that there was anything that he couldn't make light of... or make fun of.  

 Zeke was awesome, there were times that I just wanted him to shut up. But most of the time he was just a great source of entertainment. Top Dog on the mountain.

That's probably what I miss more than anything. Just the great people I got to work with.

Self Actualization

I think I've done it.
I think I've found what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I found something that I love to do, now I just have to go out and do it.

Never have I felt like this without having my feelings depend on some one else and my interaction with them.
I DID THIS. I made myself happy.
I've found my calling.

Maybe I can learn to love life like I never have before, I think I've found what I've been searching for. Looking in the wrong places has lead me so far astray in the past. I finally found a sense of self fulfillment that depends nothing at all on others. It's just me out there, doing everything that I can.

Why am I alone right now

I know I'm not always the best person, but why do I have to be alone through this.

I've been there for people whenever they need me, I do whatever I can to take care of people when they're at their lowest even if I'm in a bad way.

And this happens, and I get left alone.
What am I doing wrong that I can lose so much and feel so terrible and have nobody who wants to be here for me. Or I should say who actually is there, or here, for me.

I love you Jordan, and I will be here for you if you need ANYTHING. I will be there in a heartbeat.

Your father is the inspiration that pushes me to be the best EMT that I can ever be. Through me he will save lives, or at least give them a chance, this much I promise.

I love my family. I really do, yet I sit here alone in my house. I am very happy for the fact that they have people who love them too that are hopefully there to support them through these hard times.

"Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination."- Mark Twain

Where true serenity lies

Inexplicable

I'm so sad about what has just happened.

My best friend won't talk to me.

My recently reacquainted friend won't talk to me.

Time to move out.

I can't believe I said those things to you. I should never have said anything like that in my entire life. I am infinitely sorrowful for what happened. I love your friendship and I wish that those words had never escaped my mouth. There are a lot of things between us that I wish had not happened, but this is one that I am most sorry for.

I never meant to betray your trust, you are my best friend. One of the only people in this world that I truly trust.
I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
I love you like a brother.

I have to believe that the burdens in my life have so much more to do with me than I have previously thought. With the way that my actions have recently affected the outcome of certain situations... there's no way it isn't the case.

I am dedicating myself to others, and making the world a better place.
Selflessness is the only policy.


Anything else ends tragically.

Passive agressive nature

It's so easy to let it overcome your ways when cynicism begins to take hold of you. It doesn't make you feel any better, but it sure as hell makes you feel like you're more in control.

I'm disgusted by myself when I let it take over me.
It's not fair to the others around me, I'm sorry if I am ever to lash out at you with any guilt trip or indirect backhanded comment... It's not right to do.

I pride myself on being the best person I can be to the best of my abilities, and I can't do that if I'm not trying to catch myself in my wrongdoings or mistakes. The only way to improve is to find out the extent of your mistakes and try and tame them.
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I feel my self respect on a decline, I'm trying to hold on to my morals as I go forward. But I can't help but feel, due to the nature of the attitude of the people around me and their results, that my methods are those of a second place competitor.
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I don't want to come in second, I want to win it all. That's what makes it so tempting to give into these urges to be that asshole that gets what he wants. And how am I to know if the ends justify the means if I have yet to put forth the other foot, and take that low road.

I don't want to do it, but I don't want to keep on going through life as a second class citizen.

Recognition

As I was photographing this sunset, I was trying to find the piece that made it profound. I was trying to discover what was so amazing about it to me, and capture that to show to everyone else.

But I couldn't figure it out.
So I just stopped for a minute, and instead of trying to collect an image, I just watched.
I watched as this beautiful sunset unfolded right in front of my eyes.
It was after a few minutes that I ended up snapping this shot, which ended up being my favorite frame from the entire endeavor.


My point is this, sometimes it is not only time that is needed, but a change in perspective. However it is that you can achieve that.

I'm in a rough patch again, but unlike before, I don't feel out of control. It is really a strange feeling to me. I feel like even though many things in my life are spiraling out of control, I still hold the wheel that guides my destiny.

I feel strong and I plan on making the most of it.

patience is a virtue

This is something that I've always heard, but not something that I have practiced in my life. but something that has been now forced upon me in less that opportune circumstances.

It is like this, how I have to wait for the snow to melt so that I can truly enjoy the mountains beauty and all the activities that they have to offer. I don't want to wait, but the decision was taken from my hands by things that I can not yet control.

All the fish in the sea, but all I want is the one I set free to come back.

I am saddened.
I am overwhelmed with new burdens.
I will yet endure, so that I can see the greener grass on the other side.
I miss you, and I can't wait to be with you again.
Goodbye, for now.

Surrealism

All is good and fun when it is safe within the boundaries of theory. When ideas reach their actualization is when life gets scary. That is when you begin to encounter the unknown and the unpredictable.

It is in this void that we find out what ourselves are truly made of, really putting the nose to the grindstone.

I start into some very unknown territory in the very near future. I'm glad that I have the loved ones that I do around me to keep me feeling sane, I believe that only that is what's keeping me from spilling over.

I love you all, and you all know who you are.

Life is like a box of chocolates

Wait

No it's fucking not....

Life is nothing like a box of chocolates, for reason of comparison a box of chocolates is far to predictable to hold any symbolic meaning of how life really is.

Life is about as predictable as the lottery, you'll never get it right.
But if you do you have a really good chance of winning it big.

I can't say that I know where my life is right now, but at least for the first time in a long time I can say that I know where it is going. I'm going to save lives, I'm going to be the best EMT that my abilities will allow me to be.

ALSO

I'm going through this other thought process that is really fucking with my ability to blog...
I don't want to complain to the world or outwardly at all, I want to deal with my own things my own way and not dump that on other people. I don't want to make everyone feel bad for me, I want to talk things out on the keyboard.

don't take my rants as a cry for help, cause i probably won't accept it.
I'm talking to myself like a crazy person.... it's just what I do.

because i'm crazy

my lack of interpersonal skills

I don't know exactly where it comes from, or I guess where it doesn't come from.
But when it comes to most people I find it extremely difficult to form/keep relationships of any kind. I try to be kind and helpful but I always say the wrong things, or have to incorrect mannerisms for the current or relevant situation.

No matter what, I tend to take whatever it is and try to push it further.
If it's good I want it to be great apparently more than most.

I make friends quickly and somehow almost immediately push them away. Maybe it's something obvious; like when you're looking for something in the fridge and it's right in front of you but you don't see it.

"We can secure other people's approval if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that."- Following the Equator- Mark Twain

That's kind of my train of thought at the time. Until I can find a way to gain my own approval how can I expect others to approve of what I am and respect me.

I'm back to my state of vertigo... I don't know what to do

Trying to turn a new corner

I'm working hard at looking at things in a better way, it's been rough.

I have a lot of really good things going for me right now and I know it. I have a job, and a good one at that. I'm training at something that I want to do and loving it. My family seems to be calming things down.

I don't know why things keep weighing me down right now. I just can't get myself put back together.

Turning this corner is one if the hardest things I've had to do, it's like it won't end. I feel like I'm on one of those spiraling parking garage ramps, and it keeps on getting steeper.

I've cut out everything that makes me someone who I'm not, at least as far as substances are concerned. My friends keep stressing me out, like they don't care. I have one friend that I know will have my back no matter what. But he's leaving now, and will be gone for a while now. All I want to do is make the best of the time we have now, but I don't have a day off to go do that. I don't have a moment to breath enough to cherish the things that I really like to do anymore.

I've lost my speed.

I'm losing my true friend.

All I do is work, school, eat, and sleep. And it's really starting to wear me down. I've got to find a way out of this.

The Upside to Rock Bottom

Has nothing actually to do with being at Rock Bottom. It's the perspective you gain immediately after.

No matter how bad things can seem, at least you're still not at rock bottom.

All I'm saying is it could be worse. Only in a few more words, and quite frankly that's what gets me out of bed in the morning.

I only hope that others can gain this sort of perspective through different means than I was forced to endure to be able to perceive life this way.

I don't know if I like exactly where my life is right now, but I like where I'm headed.

Clean slate...

The only way to start anew is to let go of the the past.

To the back of the front

SNOW!

I'm so excited, can't wait to snowboard and ski. Hopefully a job will come of this. I'm working extremely hard at finding one, and I know I'll get it sorted soon :P

Moved to the new house now... can't sign the lease until I have a job.

SO I know that my priorities are in order. I couldn't be happier with the way things are going for me.