Life is like a box of chocolates

Wait

No it's fucking not....

Life is nothing like a box of chocolates, for reason of comparison a box of chocolates is far to predictable to hold any symbolic meaning of how life really is.

Life is about as predictable as the lottery, you'll never get it right.
But if you do you have a really good chance of winning it big.

I can't say that I know where my life is right now, but at least for the first time in a long time I can say that I know where it is going. I'm going to save lives, I'm going to be the best EMT that my abilities will allow me to be.

ALSO

I'm going through this other thought process that is really fucking with my ability to blog...
I don't want to complain to the world or outwardly at all, I want to deal with my own things my own way and not dump that on other people. I don't want to make everyone feel bad for me, I want to talk things out on the keyboard.

don't take my rants as a cry for help, cause i probably won't accept it.
I'm talking to myself like a crazy person.... it's just what I do.

because i'm crazy

my lack of interpersonal skills

I don't know exactly where it comes from, or I guess where it doesn't come from.
But when it comes to most people I find it extremely difficult to form/keep relationships of any kind. I try to be kind and helpful but I always say the wrong things, or have to incorrect mannerisms for the current or relevant situation.

No matter what, I tend to take whatever it is and try to push it further.
If it's good I want it to be great apparently more than most.

I make friends quickly and somehow almost immediately push them away. Maybe it's something obvious; like when you're looking for something in the fridge and it's right in front of you but you don't see it.

"We can secure other people's approval if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that."- Following the Equator- Mark Twain

That's kind of my train of thought at the time. Until I can find a way to gain my own approval how can I expect others to approve of what I am and respect me.

I'm back to my state of vertigo... I don't know what to do

Trying to turn a new corner

I'm working hard at looking at things in a better way, it's been rough.

I have a lot of really good things going for me right now and I know it. I have a job, and a good one at that. I'm training at something that I want to do and loving it. My family seems to be calming things down.

I don't know why things keep weighing me down right now. I just can't get myself put back together.

Turning this corner is one if the hardest things I've had to do, it's like it won't end. I feel like I'm on one of those spiraling parking garage ramps, and it keeps on getting steeper.

I've cut out everything that makes me someone who I'm not, at least as far as substances are concerned. My friends keep stressing me out, like they don't care. I have one friend that I know will have my back no matter what. But he's leaving now, and will be gone for a while now. All I want to do is make the best of the time we have now, but I don't have a day off to go do that. I don't have a moment to breath enough to cherish the things that I really like to do anymore.

I've lost my speed.

I'm losing my true friend.

All I do is work, school, eat, and sleep. And it's really starting to wear me down. I've got to find a way out of this.

The Upside to Rock Bottom

Has nothing actually to do with being at Rock Bottom. It's the perspective you gain immediately after.

No matter how bad things can seem, at least you're still not at rock bottom.

All I'm saying is it could be worse. Only in a few more words, and quite frankly that's what gets me out of bed in the morning.

I only hope that others can gain this sort of perspective through different means than I was forced to endure to be able to perceive life this way.

I don't know if I like exactly where my life is right now, but I like where I'm headed.

Clean slate...

The only way to start anew is to let go of the the past.

To the back of the front

SNOW!

I'm so excited, can't wait to snowboard and ski. Hopefully a job will come of this. I'm working extremely hard at finding one, and I know I'll get it sorted soon :P

Moved to the new house now... can't sign the lease until I have a job.

SO I know that my priorities are in order. I couldn't be happier with the way things are going for me.