ALSO

I'm going through this other thought process that is really fucking with my ability to blog...
I don't want to complain to the world or outwardly at all, I want to deal with my own things my own way and not dump that on other people. I don't want to make everyone feel bad for me, I want to talk things out on the keyboard.

don't take my rants as a cry for help, cause i probably won't accept it.
I'm talking to myself like a crazy person.... it's just what I do.

because i'm crazy

my lack of interpersonal skills

I don't know exactly where it comes from, or I guess where it doesn't come from.
But when it comes to most people I find it extremely difficult to form/keep relationships of any kind. I try to be kind and helpful but I always say the wrong things, or have to incorrect mannerisms for the current or relevant situation.

No matter what, I tend to take whatever it is and try to push it further.
If it's good I want it to be great apparently more than most.

I make friends quickly and somehow almost immediately push them away. Maybe it's something obvious; like when you're looking for something in the fridge and it's right in front of you but you don't see it.

"We can secure other people's approval if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that."- Following the Equator- Mark Twain

That's kind of my train of thought at the time. Until I can find a way to gain my own approval how can I expect others to approve of what I am and respect me.

I'm back to my state of vertigo... I don't know what to do